to you again. the young boy. believe it or not today was a good day. i talked about you, looked at pictures of you, and even thought non stop about you. i know i should be trying to get over you but i can’t. in some fucked up way i do believe this is helping me get over you. i need to live out my fantasy of being with you. my mom found out about you. she said “he’s cute.” “maybe in the future feelings will develop deeper.” and oh how i wish that does happen. i hate to speak your name. it gets me all flustered. but all at the same time i love to speak your name. it makes me happy. i would love to see you. i pray to God i get to see you. one last time before i go. i promise i won’t blow it now. just let it be like old times. I wasnt to scream, cry, throw thing, and just have a mental break down over the frustration i feel. reasons like you lied to me. you played me. you used me. you “liked” me. and now you want nothing to do with me. but i’m so fucked in the head i don’t care. use me, love me, and then throw me away because you don’t need me. i’ll keep coming back to you until my heart can’t take it. that’s the love i give. this isn’t love. it won’t ever be. but i care for you. care for you in way i haven’t cared for a boy in a long time. if i can’t have you in that way i want the friendship. can we be friends? i want you in my life. i hope you want me too. it’s 11:30 at night. this is the third night i’ve wrote about you. what are you doing to me? no boy has ever had me write over him. but here i am writing until my thoughts are gone and my fingers can’t type anymore. i miss you. i miss your presence. i miss the person you used to be with me. sometimes i think if i were to just cry this would all be so much easier. but then i think i would be even sadder. i can’t tell what i want. i can’t tell what i should feel. but i wish I could. i said i want you and i want to feel welcomed. i feel so rejected. rejected by a boy i never thought would even have the chance to reject me.. but lord, lord to i pray that i see you. even if it’s so much as driving past me. i hope i find peace in this soon. i truly believe i need it. 

this young boy. my heart is broke again because of him and he doesn’t know it. he told my best friend, or one of them at least that he “can’t.” why? how could you play me the way you did? how could you be okay with the way you used me? that’s not okay. that’s not the you i know. i miss the you i know. was the whole “i’ve always wanted to” a game to you? was it a game to get me to admit things to you that i would’ve kept buried deep deep down. that i would ignore until i saw you? just for me to remember them and hurry and hide them because i can’t act upon them. how could you do this to me? you watched me get my heart hurt by these guys just for you to do it again. i want to know why. why would you? how could you? it hurts me to know that i let you hurt me. this is the second night i’m writing my feelings about you. something i never do. i never write. i cry. but why don’t i have any tears over you? opening snapchat and seeing you name makes me smile. i smile knowing i haven’t talked to you. i smile even though i have that opened sign next to your name. i smile even when that timer is there. i smile at it all. you’re not my best friend anymore. yet i smile. but i cry on the inside. why? because you haven’t talked to me, that opened sign, and that timer. when will i learn to not let my heart get hurt. especially by you again. when will i learn to ignore you and move on. i don’t know, but i hope soon. i can’t keep doing this. i hurts so bad inside. i’m so sorry for myself. i can’t help but know i need to move on from you..but i can’t. 

there’s this boy. he’s younger but he made me feel alive. he was my little secret. the happiest week of my life that i had. yes, i said week. who knew one second of the day that he would send me a streak could put a smile on my face. when he asked for nudes in a not so subtle way, i sent them. why you ask? because he made me feel good about myself. because he made me feel comfortable about it. because last and the most important, he made me feel confident. at that moment my size, shape, and looks were the last thing that i thought about it. i wanted nothing more for him to love what i sent. yes, he was probably using me and now that i think about it, i’m hurt. i shouldn’t have let myself get hurt. i shouldn’t have given him what he wanted. i should’ve stood up for myself, protected myself, and loved myself without a mans attention. but that didn’t happen. it’s 12:09 am and here i am in bed writing this because i can’t get my mind off of him. my every thought is consumed by him. i don’t remember the last time a boy, a boy so young made me feel so so alive. i can’t remember the last time i would smile at a name that would come up on my screen. i can’t remember the last time a boy had made me so happy but so sad all at the same time. i want nothing more then to hold that one last conversation with him. i want nothing more then to hug him so tight one last time. i want nothing more then to jump up and scream his name in excitement because i miss him. just one last time. i want the experience of that first and last kiss with him. the first of many with him. there’s this boy. he’s younger but he makes me feel alive.