a young boy pt. 3

to you again. the young boy. believe it or not today was a good day. i talked about you, looked at pictures of you, and even thought non stop about you. i know i should be trying to get over you but i can’t. in some fucked up way i do believe this is helping me get over you. i need to live out my fantasy of being with you. my mom found out about you. she said “he’s cute.” “maybe in the future feelings will develop deeper.” and oh how i wish that does happen. i hate to speak your name. it gets me all flustered. but all at the same time i love to speak your name. it makes me happy. i would love to see you. i pray to God i get to see you. one last time before i go. i promise i won’t blow it now. just let it be like old times. I wasnt to scream, cry, throw thing, and just have a mental break down over the frustration i feel. reasons like you lied to me. you played me. you used me. you “liked” me. and now you want nothing to do with me. but i’m so fucked in the head i don’t care. use me, love me, and then throw me away because you don’t need me. i’ll keep coming back to you until my heart can’t take it. that’s the love i give. this isn’t love. it won’t ever be. but i care for you. care for you in way i haven’t cared for a boy in a long time. if i can’t have you in that way i want the friendship. can we be friends? i want you in my life. i hope you want me too. it’s 11:30 at night. this is the third night i’ve wrote about you. what are you doing to me? no boy has ever had me write over him. but here i am writing until my thoughts are gone and my fingers can’t type anymore. i miss you. i miss your presence. i miss the person you used to be with me. sometimes i think if i were to just cry this would all be so much easier. but then i think i would be even sadder. i can’t tell what i want. i can’t tell what i should feel. but i wish I could. i said i want you and i want to feel welcomed. i feel so rejected. rejected by a boy i never thought would even have the chance to reject me.. but lord, lord to i pray that i see you. even if it’s so much as driving past me. i hope i find peace in this soon. i truly believe i need it.